[BulgingCap]

A few years ago a friend had been asked by an old couple if she wanted to clean their house up at 'Boot Hill', the old folks complex. She didn't but asked if we would. We said no but then thought we would have a look. The couple were in their late 80s, and lived a long time as rubber planters in Malaya. They were very posh and we thought that they were entertaining.
They had not dusted the house or done any house work at all for 8 years. As you can imagine it was unbelievably grubby and dusty.
We said that we would do 2 hours in the living room as a trial, so returned later.
Now, the wise person who said that one should never work with dogs or children should also have added 'Old Buffers' too.
It was a real mess, but we did two hours, and also installed a new printer for her and fiddled with a few other things, then said that she should call later to see if we felt as if we could return to do the bedrooms. They were heaped up with papers and junk everywhere, and we pointed out the dozens of 'Redback' spiders living under the marital bed.
As soon as we got home the phone rang and it was the husband in a panic. I could hear a loud hissing in the background like an FM radio not tuned to a station. He said that he had turned on the record player and a loud noise was coming out of his speakers. I told him to press the 'Phono' or 'PU' button on his amplifier. He huffed and puffed and the noise stopped. Then he informed me that the TV wouldn't come on. I asked if he had plugged it in and he reckoned that he had. I got in the car and drove back to Boot Hill. I said that the TV must be switched off on the On button, but he said that it didn't have one.
A quick run of the hand around the edge of the TV and 'Click' on it came.
When we phoned later to ask if they wanted us to return to finish, Mrs Malaya said "Well I'm not sure after this fiasco with the TV..." My girlfriend was furious.
Any way to cut a long story longer- we went back to shovel out the bedrooms and all the antique Chinese Malay furniture. When we had finished she informed me that the wireless headphones for the TV had not worked since we had cleaned the first time. I had a look- they were plugged into the TV but the power lead was lying on the floor. I plugged it back in.
"Oh, and that loudspeaker hasn't worked since you came before".
"Let me listen" I said with despair setting in.
She put on an old LP of Acker Bilk and there was nothing from one speaker. I determined that it wasn't the amp so had a look- One wire was hanging out the back. I connected it up and a horrible scratching noise, a bit like 'Stranger on the Shore' played on a washboard, issued from it.
I popped off the front grill and burst out laughing- the rubber suspension surround for the bass unit was not there anymore, and had been replaced by a big bodged mass of electrical tape. The smaller speaker had no surround at all. I laughed so much and wanted to take a photo but didn't have a camera with me. I don't think she was impressed. She insisted that it had been alright until I had disturbed it while cleaning !!
I asked if she or her husband had put the tape there and she said 'No'.
They had bought the speakers about 5 years ago, so I wanted to know from whom so that I could go round and break their arms. I don't like that sort of thing.
I made the output of the amp mono and left them with just one big floor standing speaker blaring out 'Boodle Am Shake'.
I pointed them in the direction of the tip shop where there is a whole row of big old speakers for sale, but they didn't seem keen on visiting.
We haven't heard from them since, so I suppose they think that Acker sounds OK in mono, or that they could not possibly lower themselves to visiting somewhere as proletarian as the tip-shop.
BC